November 15, 2017


Dear Nikki,

I’m actually kind of embarrassed to ask this, but I’m constantly worrying that my friends secretly hate me because I wear plus sizes. I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that, but some people care about looks. I just need some encouragement.


Fear Of Fake Friends

Hi Fear Of Fake Friends,

Boy, we all need encouragement once in a while, don’t we? I can totally relate!

And body size is one of those things that are SO EASY to feel insecure about. I also got a letter this week from someone upset because people tease her for being too skinny. A girl could drive herself crazy if she let herself worry about being attractive to everyone! ☹

But you’re not worried about just anyone—you’re worried about your friends. And that they might hate you? Secretly? Because of your size?

I understand feeling insecure about your size, but think about this logically. If they’re your friends, but they secretly hate you, why would they keep you around? Why would they pretend to like you? What would they get out of that?

If you honestly think they’re keeping you around because they’re using you for something or because they’re just evil enough to want to laugh at you behind your back…then WOW. They sound like TERRIBLE friends!

But it’s way more likely that they DON’T secretly hate you—for any reason, but certainly not your size.

So the issue is really about your own insecurity.  And believe me, we all struggle with a little insecurity sometimes.

And look, every single one of your friends has their own insecurities. Maybe they’re insecure about their appearance too, whether it’s acne, braces, or their body shape. Maybe they’re insecure about a learning disability, how much money their family has, or how to talk to boys.

Either way, everyone could use some encouragement!

There’s a pretty fun activity I did at a camp once that would work really well with a circle of friends. Everyone puts their name on an envelope. (Or you could decorate pretty jars and paint your names onto them, but if you want to keep it low-key, an envelope works fine.) Then everyone passes their envelope (or jar) around the circle and each person writes a little note to the person whose envelope they have, telling them what they love about them. (If your friend group isn’t quite so mushy with each other, it could be “your favorite thing about the person.”) The envelopes get passed all the way around, and when yours comes back to you, it’s filled with encouraging notes from all your friends. Everybody wins!

So, doing that activity might be a really fun way to boost everyone’s confidence, and remind yourself why your friends think you’re awesome. You could have everyone over for a little get-together at your house, if your parents are okay with that. OR you could just do it during a lunch period. You could just say you read about it online and thought it would be fun.

BUT if that doesn’t sound like something that would fly with your group, then I think you could focus on a couple things.

  1. Put love and encouragement out into your group. This might sound silly, but if you’re regularly encouraging people and complementing them (genuinely), that goodness you spread should come back to you. Treat others how you want to be treated!
  2. Work on your self-esteem. If you look through these posts here on the Dork Diaries website, you’ll find a variety of questions people have asked that have to do with self-esteem, and you’ll see my answers. Some of them won’t apply perfectly to you, but I hope some of them will help build your confidence:

I hope that helps! I really don’t think your friends hate you, for any reason! And I hope you can start to see why they actually LOVE having you around!! 🙂

Do you feel insecure about your friends? How do you reach out to make others feel more secure?