October 15, 2016



Dear Brandon,

Okay, I really need your help! I think I might have a crush on this guy in my class. The only thing is, how do I know if it’s a crush or not? Sometimes I get nervous when he stares at me during class. Do you think I might like him? Please help!!!

Crazy Crush Crisis

Okay, this sounds serious. First of all, do you have a fever? Strange rash? Green toenails?

Just kidding! I’m no doctor, but I think I probably can diagnose this one.

Here are the signs of a crush:

  1. Sweating, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, nausea. I was kidding about the symptoms above, but you can have actual physical reactions to being around a crush. Your hands might get clammy, and you might feel like you’re going to throw up. This is all normal (though unpleasant)!
  2. Excessive giggling. This goes for guys and girls, BTW. You may find yourself giggling at the strangest things. You will find your crush’s jokes HYSTERICAL, even if no one else thinks they’re funny.
  3. Rollercoaster Syndrome (also known as excessive butterflies). This symptom also happens to guys and girls.
  4. Inability to focus on other things when the crush is in the room. How are you supposed to divide fractions when your crush is sitting over there being all cute?
  5. Inability to focus on other things when the crush isn’t in the room. How are you supposed to divide fractions when your crush isn’t at school today? They could be sick! They could have moved out of state! They could have been kidnapped! Why is no one forming a search party???
  6. Jealousy when crush is talking to or about someone else. Even though you know you don’t really have a right to be jealous, you WILL be wildly jealous if your crush talks to someone else. Why did he ask HER for a pencil when you have perfectly good pencils to share??? Who cares that she’s sitting next to him and you’re three rows away…
  7. Analyzing every little interaction you have ever had with crush. If your crush DID ask you for a pencil, you will spend days replaying what he said, and how he said it, and what he was wearing, and if he smiled, and if your fingers touched, and if he thanked you and how he thanked you and how you responded, and if you handed him the pencil eraser first or point first and if you should have done it the other way, and what you were wearing and if you smiled, and if your hands were clammy when your fingers touched and on and on and on…
  8. Daydreaming future interactions you will have with crush. If your crush did not ask you for the pencil, you will imagine the circumstances under which he WOULD ask you instead. You’ll imagine a new seating chart in the classroom that puts you right next to him and what you’ll be wearing the day you bring a brand new package of pencils, and how you’ll ask him if he’d like one, and how his teeth will shine when he smiles, and how that one shared pencil will make him realize you are the girl of his dreams and when your fingers touch, he’ll grab all the way onto your hand and never let go.
  9. Counting down minutes until you will see crush again. A sub-side effect here is that you will HATE THE WEEKENDS. Because usually the weekend will mean you won’t see your crush for a whole two days. And you’ll spend the whole time on the next two symptoms…

So, yeah. You might not have all of these symptoms. It depends how advanced your case is. But if you have a few of them, it most likely IS crush-itis.

The good news is, it’s very common.

The bad news? There’s no cure.

Crush-itis may have no cure, but some people have ways to manage the symptoms.

How do the rest of you handle crush-itis?